Practicing Pause.

"Almost all good writing begins with Terrible First Efforts. You need to start somewhere."

Anne Lamott

Have you ever wondered , How I have been lately, To put it simply, I haven't been myself. The day somehow begins and the day somehow ends without any control on the events that followed. Juggling between work , chores and family wasn't easy . I do miss my old life, which brings me to the point that even though I miss my old self, I am very happy with the current me. Because the current me is  independent and wise. But the trouble of managing everything is really a big deal that I would give a bow down to my mother and all the wives that have been taking care of their family from dawn to dusk. And in fact just because of my work I do neglect few household chores which my husband takes care of sometimes. In fact I must say there is an exemption to those women whose husbands help them by actually doing the work on behalf of women but those other women who actually work alone without any help from their husband, are true legends and I am forever grateful to my mother for tackling all these works all these years alone. Because of this work, I haven't been able to focus much , felt exhausted all the time. Trust me, feeling low has become a daily visitor and writing has become a far fetched dream. But here I am writing again, which means I somehow got hold of my time again. Also my sciatica has become so sore that I am now living with it practically. But like Stephen Hawking once said " While there is life , there is hope." I too believe that some day with my physio, yoga and stretches I would completely get out of this. So with the introduction of my not so great health issues lets proceed further into this year and my days. Hola!!!! 

The work became so hectic that sometimes I forgot that I even existed and unconsciously went on doing things. But weekends I started to pause, to see for myself the importance of taking breaks and then, I felt this need to explain people, the importance of practicing pause in work , in family , in society and in life in general. I went through a rush of emotions during the first weeks of this practice. The feeling of guilt that I might be neglecting work and family loomed around me all the time. That was the break point where I learnt that I am overdoing things to the point that taking a break to care for my health is causing me guilt. So I have made this practice serious. I have started a page in Instagram @books_nd_brew to make sure people do not feel guilt about taking care of their health and I have received messages from unknown people on how serene they feel reading and seeing my posts. Deep inside I made sure that the posts are mainly for my own mental peace not for the validation of other people. So the practice became more beautiful. and to my books, my plants , I love you for no one will understand our relationship ever and it is better like that. because after living this world coming back to you always made me feel alive.

"I love you without knowing how or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this."

“If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week.”― Charles Darwin, 

But somedays despite practicing everything, anxiety and stress do come back, to tell you that, things do not always go your way, but somehow with so much art and beauty in this world what cannot be conquered! , so even if such feelings visit me today, I would just let them stay for a short while and convey my goodbyes immediately. On thorough investigation of why I am not able to get out of these issues permanently ,I have found out that there are some very curious people whom I had to meet in these two years, who even when I am silent tried to test my patience. It was like their inferiority complex is so high that they wouldn't let me live in peace. And I think this has become a traditional practice after marriage to women in India. If a woman is not put to such trauma she is considered lucky. What a fragile society we live in ,where living in peace for a women after marriage has become a luxury which I cannot afford for now.  So I chose my mental peace over my marriage and informed Tarun the same. He understood. That's the thing about him, he really understands what I feel. So we mostly stayed together with my parents. Even though there was this invisible pressure from the society, he still stood by my side and stayed together with me at my parent's home. But like always people talked and their whispers were loud enough to reach our ears. I sometimes wondered if he is okay , but deep inside I knew it wasn't just me but he himself went through so much more that he felt more peaceful staying with me at my place than his. That was when I realized that the suffering was same . It isn't being a women but even men go through their share of pain. Yet still here we are breathing and living in harmony, ignoring the chaos that tried to swallow us. Soon we build friends and family that cherished us and today we no longer feel alone. We no longer care about being disowned but live in our tiny space of room in peace away from all the that hurts,

“I let it go. It’s like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home.”                                              – Five Quarters Of The Orange, Joanne Harris

so today, we collect books together, grow plants together .When I am in my space he makes me coffee and when he is in his space , I make his favorite Biryani. We never thought this day would come where being for each other has become so important that we do not care about anything else other than us.

May some day you find someone to share the torridness of the day and the darkness of the night because miracles do happen and the universe does listen to you that tomorrow even if there is pain, there will also be a person who carries you away from it, May you find him or her soon.

Aloha 

Signing off 23.01.2022

"You do not have to be good

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.”

― Mary Oliver